(Brave) Murder (Day)

Take Me To My Home

Please.

Land Of Sunshine

Tuesday, 17th of April 2012, ~11 AM: I have finished my last exam of the entire exam week (course 4 of religion). I'm semi-satisfied with the exam itself and feeling rather well. I eat at the school cafeteria and head out to buy myself a pair of new sun glasses. It's raining. I stop by the beach to see some nice scenery and buy some groceries for myself and the family.

Tuesday, 17th of April 2012, ~12 AM: I've walked home and am attempting to relax after the pressure of the exams is over. At the back of my head I carry the intention to make my guitar purchase as soon as I'm ready for it. I count the money on my bank account and in my wallet to be sure of how much money I'll have after the purchase.

Tuesday, 17th of April 2012, ~3 PM: After contemplating whether or not I should also buy an amp, a cable, some strings and a stand for my guitar, I go for all the aforementioned except for the amp and confirm my order. I get an e-mail saying the order has arrived and is being processed. I'm beginning to feel really comfortable and happy, albeit less wealthy.

Tuesday 17th of April 2012, ~4 PM: The most unexpected thing happens. I grab my cell phone and notice an SMS saying me and my fellow class mates have made it to the Puruvesi Pop, a local festival that takes place on the 3rd and 4th of August. I'm shocked and thrilled, adrenaline flows and I start telling EVERYBODY about the news. I'm also hit with stress and fear, which gradually start to grow in my subconscious, later entering my consciousness.

Tuesday, 17th of April 2012, ~5 PM: I make the decision to change the decoration of my room just a little bit shelf-wise to make it more clean, have some more room for my rapidly growing CD collection (16 new CDs this year so far) as well as space for the brand new guitar. I spend the rest of my evening cleaning and re-arranging.

Wednesday, 18th of April 2012, ~3 PM: I've arrived home after the first day of the brand new school schedule. I've received all my exams back, and although some of the grades I already knew, most of them I didn't and thus it was a good surprise for the most part. The grades I got were a 9- for the 5th course in maths and the 4th course in religion, a 9 for the 3rd course in religion and a 10- for the 3rd course in society studies. But what makes it all practically fall apart is an old Finnish essay I made two months ago - only 35/60 points, which is not even close to being acceptable for someone who's supposed to become a journalist.

Wednesday, 18th of April 2012, ~4 PM: I'm cheered up again as I listen to my copy of Aion by CMX that I got through mail while finishing up the new arrangement for my room. Just as the CD ends, I receive the last bits of my Record Shop X order - a gift I'll give to a friend and Diamond Eyes by the Deftones, completing my Deftones collection that now includes ALL SIX of their studio records.

Record Store X order:

Deftones collection:

Melankolia

Howdy! Happy Ma... Shoot, it's April already! And April Fools is done with. Well, we won't let that bother us. I apologize for the absence of posts, but I'm here now.

To be honest not much has really changed although it's been 6 weeks since my last proper update. I've been recording vocals and bass tracks for Reflections & Realizations in a steady pace, but the workload is enormous and as we all know, I'm a lazy mixer. I've calculated that I do have chances of at least finishing the recording for the album in time (end of November) if I record two instrument tracks a week, which for the time being has meant two new bass tracks each week ever since I was forced to take a break from recording vocals. I'm hoping to finish all bass tracks by the end of this month and either continue with the vocals or move on to guitars in May. I'm finally getting my new guitar after the upcoming exam week is over, so I have time to get familiar with it before I start the guitar tracking. Because I have to be quite sure of what I'm recording even if I'm only doing bass for now, all the songs have really taken shape during these past few weeks and all of them are more than 90% finished composition-/writing-wise, with the exception of drums. I've come up with ideas for the second Wicked Breath album, too, but I'm trying hard not to focus on it at all to perfect the first album.

Theban Cycle's debut EP keeps taking baby steps, and I have now recorded 4 bass tracks for what will presumably be a five-track-affair. We're missing the final song for now but our activity has been picking up a little as of late, so a 2012 release date is still possible. Elsewhere, I've decided to keep all my other projects as mainly solo ones due to the affectation I have for the songs that are already done, due to them having no outside input, and due to me not finding good enough reasons to do things otherwise. Sure, having more than one solo project might sound silly to many, but for me it's (mostly) a cool and logical approach. Besides, I just can't find anyone suitable to collaborate with me. Not that I would've been trying to find someone 24/7, but you know... I'm a lone wolf. :P

On top of it all my projects are about to expand from four to five as I'm contemplating to form one solely dedicated to nu metal. I've done some demos for it, but none of them are all that satisfying yet. My fourth and previously unnamed project is now called Pakkasmielteeni (a portmanteau that could freely be translated as My Frostbsession, a combination of the words frost and obsession + the subject I) and I've kept working on it to the extent where I have a tentative EP concept in mind and two nearly finished songs on my plate. The whole project is such a Drudkh-ripoff, but I'm still excited of how it sounds like. In fact, the song Pixie Forest I did for the project a while back is one of the best compositions/poems I've ever done in my own opinion. Just like Drudkh uses Ukrainian poems in their songs, I've thought of doing Finnish lyrics for some of the tracks, but that's still just an idea.

Speaking of Drudkh, I LOVED their new album Eternal Turn Of The Wheel. Chances are I love it even more because I got it in the mail on the release day and immediately played it several times from front to back while reading the booklet (or what I could understand of it) and walking in winter weather. I haven't listened to the album anymore in weeks though. You want to know why? It's because my promise of sacrificing to music this year has been more than fulfilled so far. The amount of new (and old) music I'm listening to these days is so huge compared to the past that it's not even funny. I have listened to 44 previously unheard albums/EPs this year, 12 of which have also been released this year. That in addition means that my end of the year list will be a tricky one to make - and Long. As. Hell. Once again, you can check more details out on my Last.fm and Rate Your Music profiles. Finnish bands Sara and CMX are the ones I'd like to mention in particular from my new discoveries.

Some fresh CDs I've actually purchased (besides ETOTW) include Eevan Perintö by Kotiteollisuus, When I Am With You You Are Safe by Major Label, The Warriors EP, Vol. 2

by P.O.D., Deliverance by Opeth, ...And The Rest Will Follow by Project 86 and Candyass by Orgy.

At school I'm doing better and my grades are fairly good again at the moment, but I also feel more like an outsider than ever before socially, which is ironic because I'm talking to more people than I ever have. It's just that I talk very little to each person individually (or at least I get very little from it), and they all seem to have a ton of activities with each other while I'm stuck making art that I'm not even sure can be called art because it's so unsatisfying, dull and unnoticed. I wouldn't even necessarily want to be a part of those aforementined activities, but it still sucks to be in the minority. I prefer being what I am rather than becoming what they are - which is only different, not better or worse than them - but who I am just seems to turn against me more than support me. I can say, though, that I could be and have been more depressed than I am these days. And before you take this as 100% teen angst, I do have real issues besides what I'm sharing here that contribute to that depression. Or at least less shallow ones.

I was going to include some philosophy on this too, but I've gotten tired since my inspirational sauna visit and so I'll just leave this post the way it is now. I'll make another post a bit sooner than last time, hopefully with some serious thinking again then.

Happy Easter to everyone around the world, and don't forget why we celebrate! :) Here's to a new beginning and being set free.

CMX - Melankolia

P.O.D. - Eyez

Breakdown in 19:24

Say hello to the bad guy... No wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMLenmQS2G4

Imagine

Guess who's back? To be honest it hasn't taken me this long to make another post only because of being busy but also because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have any need to bring my angst here again. It's quite an impossible task, but I'm up for it - especially now that I have some updates to do. Let's go...

First and foremost, the tracklists for both, my upcoming album and EP can now be confirmed. I've been working on writing and tweaking the compositions for the EP a lot lately, putting together old demos and ideas to make new songs, and the main structure is now done for all of the tracks. Most of them are finished entirely (if we exclude drums) and are only waiting to be recorded and mixed. Speaking of which, I have really gotten active on recording again, and am making progress in a good enough pace to consider my goal of releasing everything in December if not likely, at least not impossible. I've completed a ton of vocals in particular. Anyhow, here are the tracklists:

Reflections & Realizations (Album)
01. The Black 6:32

02. Baptism of Fire 4:12

03. Drowning 4:55

04. Cyan Lie 5:06

05. Excruciated 2:12

06. Skies 3:26

07. Half-Heart 5:02

08. Allergy/Anemia 7:18

09. Awaiting The Great Depression 5:12

10. (Unholy) Months for Affection 4:15

11. Sip of October 6:59

12. Precipitation 3:37

13. Polarity 4:36

14. Grain 4:30

15. Wallow In Life 4:37

16. CATS 3:03

17. The White 4:09

This Slut They Call A Heart (EP)
01. Tear of the Afternoon 0:47
02. Silence 3:52
03. The Rose Who Wanted To Marry The Shadow 7:08
04. Permafrost 5:21
05. Emblazoned Doom 4:30
06. Let Go 7:21
07. Johannesburg 4:42
08. Remorse 6:08

And here are the lyrics for The Rose Who Wanted To Marry The Shadow. I'm REALLY proud of these.

Rise from black and be beautiful is what my gods told me to do and let the growing pains begin
they gave the sun as my friend, still I leaned towards the shade
always sought for translucent cry, thanks to whom I shimmer and blaze

I'd run, but my roots beg to differ
I want to change my failed purpose
Even when they say that I'm the needle amongst the hay
My thorns cut through the flesh of messengers
self-neglecting stalk can barely hold me anymore

I have to make a choice; either the conventional, damming inspiration
or aspiration and becoming the heir that's due to be me;
my disease

I let the storm plunder, purify my path, lean on hunger to someday rise from sands
In this hate I make my home, my bed, where I alone contemplate of my kind and fate

Fall to the twine of fate
Dance in the darkness with my hate

Shy, discovered by gardener's wife, put in a glass device, expected to break light despite my spite
Why, sell my soul to find, a purpose for my life?
Already cut my pride while given into lie

I choke on the limelight
starve on this desert of shallow life

Is it my time before it was my time
(I'll rather burn than fade)
I hope they'll smile the day when these words fly
(I'll rather burn than fade)

I'm the rose
I'm the rose who wanted to marry the shadow.

(Needless to say, on top of all work I've done for the album and the EP, I've continued working on other projects and my 2nd Wicked Breath album. In fact, the title of this post takes its name from a new song I made just today. And it. Kicks. ASS.)

I'm attempting to keep this post as short and sweet as possible, but there is another big announcement I have to address. I'm seriously considering the possibility of joining YouTube's album reviewing community. I know I know, I can only dream of the amount of monthly videos let alone viewers guys like TheNeedleDrop or CoverKillerNation have made into reality, but I'd like to articulate my thoughts on albums and music in general a bit more and maybe improve my self-esteem a little in the process by getting comfortable with the camera and especially viewers. It's really a huge trend in my life as of December to review  music (pun intended) from a totally new perspective thanks to the effort I had to put in my releases of the year list as well as rating my albums on Rate Your Music. Moreover, a very serious career choice option at the moment is that of becoming a (freelancer) journalist, writer, whatever I should call it. I feel that I really want to work alone, freely, and in a diverse manner, and perhaps most importantly, express myself. Psychology, my previous dream job, doesn't fulfill that. Music is a tool for expression, sure, but I can't do that all day every day if I want to feed myself and have a roof over my head after I kick myself out of my parents' apartment. It seems that I have some sort of talent for writing, or so I am told, so why not at least consider living out of it? I could write reviews, articles, essays, columns... And maybe even have some time to focus on writing novels and stories. I am not naive and thus do acknowledge that being a freelancer doesn't mean being your own boss all the time or having as much freedom as I personally like. But it would be less stressful than working at an office job. And oh my God, the social nature of it all... Perfect.

Where I'm going with this speech is that you might have noticed the poll on the right top corner. It's simply there so you can vote for the album that you would like me to review first. The reason as to why all the options are what they are is simply because the albums that I think of as my favorites are ones I could easily talk about in the beginning, and introduce and practice my style with comfortably. Of course, the result of the poll only counts IF I actually start on my little odyssey with on-camera music reviewing. It's a terrifying thought at one perspective, and absolutely thrilling seen from another one. But what do I have to lose? I'm already a wreck emotionally, what difference could a few negative comments make? It's time to take some actual chances in my life.

That's about it for the positive. School success is still deteoriorating fast, social connections and love life are a disaster, I feel deprivated and depressed all too often. But at the moment I feel like not caring about any of that and instead I want to at least try being thankful and hopeful. Will you support me on that? :)

(PS: God Bless everybody, and may He give peace to Whitney Houston, Ryan Bright Whosoever, and Sonny Sandoval's grandfather. We people have no idea how lucky we are most of the time.)

(PS2: For those wanting to know about my recent listening trends, I suggest you check my Last.fm and RYM accounts. The "Inspirational Albums Of The Week" gadget on the right side of this page is also useful. The amount of new albums and old re-discoveries is so much that I'm simply too lazy to make a list or paragraph.)

Devil Is A Loser And I'm That Bitch...

Emophobics beware.

It's confusing how thin the line between happiness and sorrow can be. Just a few days ago I was spending the best time of 2012 so far, and now I'm faced with rock bottom once again. It's not an unorthodox event for me, not at all as of January 2011 really. I feel so empty and I want to express myself badly. Sometimes my songs or writing a lyric/poem helps, hence why I haven't posted these things here all that much. And I've never wanted this blog to become a full-on angst attack - I want to keep things somewhat based on my works and contemplating, and while angst might occur with those two enough already, it's never as much in the forefront as it could be.

However, sometimes music or writing poetry is not the solution. Frankly, I've reached a weird state in my musical progression in which I can pick up the guitar and come up with a riff or two, even a song, in just a matter of minutes. But whether whatever I come up with is good or not is another story entirely. Most of the time it does not fulfill my standards and craving for better and better musicianship and creativity. Often these tend to mold into phases when I might not come up with anything satisfactory for weeks, and then boom, I have three new and rather finished songs done for my next album or EP in just a few days. Some would say this is natural - writer's blocks are common for every artist, no matter the field of art. But why do I get the feeling there's more to it than just that? Why does it seem that everytime I'm on a certain mood nothing seems to be good? This is not about the actual material - it's about how I feel towards it. Why can I write perfectly suitable and good songs but not like them myself? This applies to lyrics.

Anyway, that was a bit off-topic but just something I wanted to address. What I really wanted to say with this quick and spontaneous post is God I'm a loser. My self-esteem continues to suck worse than it does for about 98% of people, I'd guess. And can you blame me? My social relations are nothing short of disaster. I care too much about people who I either should not care about at all or who don't care nearly as much about me as I do about them. The few people that actually do care about me significantly get nothing but shit from me. There are no exceptions and although I acknowledge and hate myself for this situation, I can't seem to help myself and fix anything. Then there's obviously my love life which is getting more and more nerve-racking by now. After confessing my feelings to a certain someone two months ago my feelings haven't exactly cooled off, let alone disappeared. I still suffer greatly from what I see, hear and feel from her. Or what I don't feel from her, I should say in this context. Moreover, I'm starting to witness strong emotions for someone else, and this is where it gets REALLY interesting. And goddamn frustrating. While this scenario is not as desperate and unlikely as the other one, it's still something that has its major and minor issues. Of course, every life situation has issues, but concerning this one the issues still overcome everything else. The biggest of them all is perhaps the fact that I'm just too selfish too much of the time, I am who I am and can't (accept) change.

My school success is falling drastically, too. Particularly in non-linguistic theoretical subjects my latest grades are awful for me, and below average even on the normal scale. I'm not sure if I'm too distracted by everything else in my life, if things are just getting too hard for me to understand, if I'm running out of time or if my studying techniques are failing. What I do know is that if things progress this way, my only hope profession-wise is linguistics. Something I had already turned my back on... And something that's barely risk-free. How fantastic and ironic is that for someone who dreams of becoming a semi-professional musician?

My future is terrifyingly shaky. I'm more and more terrified of moving to study to Joensuu in two and a half years, and I don't even know what exactly I'll study there. To anyone who doesn't know me - I NEED to know my long-term position in my life and the society, so this is tearing me apart. My album is never going to be finished with this pace, either. I have the perfect sixth for recording schedules, and guess what? I'm not alone at the house for a single moment. Not that I can blame anyone for their recurring flues and such, but do I really have to face the exact same issue every time that I decide to kick myself in the ass and start recording again? Whenever I have an exam week or I'm just too lazy to do anything the house is free. Coincidence? Even if I got something put together by the end of the year like I was planning to, it would utterly sound like trash. I need better equipment but saving is not easy at this stage of life, and I'm niggardly as fuck. Not to mention I can't even get myself to learn a fucking bank account transfer.

I feel like I'm not good for anything, honestly. My music is not innovative, creative, catchy, challenging, poetic, emotional, atmospheric, fine-tuned or passionate enough. I might have potential to do many things, but instead of fulfilling that potential I keep failing more and more in both, quality and quantity. If someone doesn't hate me like I do, they should. End of debate.

Why can't I even enjoy winter? Or walking? Or *gasp* MUSIC?

The best thing is that even the few accomplishments I am willing to admit barely do anything for me anymore. They do boost my ego and mood significantly, but the effect wears off fast and I'm back to the same raging, angsty, lazy, supine and pathetic character I've become by default. The worst thing is that all these things are supposed to be easy to handle in contrast to what's ahead. All this drama, shame and tearjerking is supposed to be a fond memory when bills, work stress and more frustrating relationships hit you in the face. I just can't wrap my head around that idea, and hence today I decided that if exactly 5 years from now I'm still alive and well, I'm going to throw a party. At the moment it feels like chances are about 50-50 that I'll drop dead before turning 22 years and 2 months. Not to be confused with suicidal activities, just... My head and heart are about to blow off.

Is it really so hard to change into someone I can love? And maybe get loved back, then?

I apologize for all the swearing that I've done in this post and in my life in general. It's one of the biggest things that has come with my depression - I swear all the time and at everything. But that's just me. And I care too much about it. Maybe I should stop caring? I know I can't do it, but if I tried, at least I might have a chance of living a few days in glory. Free of this slavery that is my own reflection.

And we're not even going to get into my spirituality. I'm not sure I even have a spiritual side anymore. God should forsake me. No, He really should. How could I implement anything that satisfies Him? I can't even fucking pray anymore.

My rant is over. I hope I didn't offend you, reader. I know I offended myself.

Oh, and happy new year. Isn't it just going to be a terrific year for everybody?