Monday, January 16, 2012

Devil Is A Loser And I'm That Bitch...

Emophobics beware.

It's confusing how thin the line between happiness and sorrow can be. Just a few days ago I was spending the best time of 2012 so far, and now I'm faced with rock bottom once again. It's not an unorthodox event for me, not at all as of January 2011 really. I feel so empty and I want to express myself badly. Sometimes my songs or writing a lyric/poem helps, hence why I haven't posted these things here all that much. And I've never wanted this blog to become a full-on angst attack - I want to keep things somewhat based on my works and contemplating, and while angst might occur with those two enough already, it's never as much in the forefront as it could be.

However, sometimes music or writing poetry is not the solution. Frankly, I've reached a weird state in my musical progression in which I can pick up the guitar and come up with a riff or two, even a song, in just a matter of minutes. But whether whatever I come up with is good or not is another story entirely. Most of the time it does not fulfill my standards and craving for better and better musicianship and creativity. Often these tend to mold into phases when I might not come up with anything satisfactory for weeks, and then boom, I have three new and rather finished songs done for my next album or EP in just a few days. Some would say this is natural - writer's blocks are common for every artist, no matter the field of art. But why do I get the feeling there's more to it than just that? Why does it seem that everytime I'm on a certain mood nothing seems to be good? This is not about the actual material - it's about how I feel towards it. Why can I write perfectly suitable and good songs but not like them myself? This applies to lyrics.

Anyway, that was a bit off-topic but just something I wanted to address. What I really wanted to say with this quick and spontaneous post is God I'm a loser. My self-esteem continues to suck worse than it does for about 98% of people, I'd guess. And can you blame me? My social relations are nothing short of disaster. I care too much about people who I either should not care about at all or who don't care nearly as much about me as I do about them. The few people that actually do care about me significantly get nothing but shit from me. There are no exceptions and although I acknowledge and hate myself for this situation, I can't seem to help myself and fix anything. Then there's obviously my love life which is getting more and more nerve-racking by now. After confessing my feelings to a certain someone two months ago my feelings haven't exactly cooled off, let alone disappeared. I still suffer greatly from what I see, hear and feel from her. Or what I don't feel from her, I should say in this context. Moreover, I'm starting to witness strong emotions for someone else, and this is where it gets REALLY interesting. And goddamn frustrating. While this scenario is not as desperate and unlikely as the other one, it's still something that has its major and minor issues. Of course, every life situation has issues, but concerning this one the issues still overcome everything else. The biggest of them all is perhaps the fact that I'm just too selfish too much of the time, I am who I am and can't (accept) change.

My school success is falling drastically, too. Particularly in non-linguistic theoretical subjects my latest grades are awful for me, and below average even on the normal scale. I'm not sure if I'm too distracted by everything else in my life, if things are just getting too hard for me to understand, if I'm running out of time or if my studying techniques are failing. What I do know is that if things progress this way, my only hope profession-wise is linguistics. Something I had already turned my back on... And something that's barely risk-free. How fantastic and ironic is that for someone who dreams of becoming a semi-professional musician?

My future is terrifyingly shaky. I'm more and more terrified of moving to study to Joensuu in two and a half years, and I don't even know what exactly I'll study there. To anyone who doesn't know me - I NEED to know my long-term position in my life and the society, so this is tearing me apart. My album is never going to be finished with this pace, either. I have the perfect sixth for recording schedules, and guess what? I'm not alone at the house for a single moment. Not that I can blame anyone for their recurring flues and such, but do I really have to face the exact same issue every time that I decide to kick myself in the ass and start recording again? Whenever I have an exam week or I'm just too lazy to do anything the house is free. Coincidence? Even if I got something put together by the end of the year like I was planning to, it would utterly sound like trash. I need better equipment but saving is not easy at this stage of life, and I'm niggardly as fuck. Not to mention I can't even get myself to learn a fucking bank account transfer.

I feel like I'm not good for anything, honestly. My music is not innovative, creative, catchy, challenging, poetic, emotional, atmospheric, fine-tuned or passionate enough. I might have potential to do many things, but instead of fulfilling that potential I keep failing more and more in both, quality and quantity. If someone doesn't hate me like I do, they should. End of debate.

Why can't I even enjoy winter? Or walking? Or *gasp* MUSIC?

The best thing is that even the few accomplishments I am willing to admit barely do anything for me anymore. They do boost my ego and mood significantly, but the effect wears off fast and I'm back to the same raging, angsty, lazy, supine and pathetic character I've become by default. The worst thing is that all these things are supposed to be easy to handle in contrast to what's ahead. All this drama, shame and tearjerking is supposed to be a fond memory when bills, work stress and more frustrating relationships hit you in the face. I just can't wrap my head around that idea, and hence today I decided that if exactly 5 years from now I'm still alive and well, I'm going to throw a party. At the moment it feels like chances are about 50-50 that I'll drop dead before turning 22 years and 2 months. Not to be confused with suicidal activities, just... My head and heart are about to blow off.

Is it really so hard to change into someone I can love? And maybe get loved back, then?

I apologize for all the swearing that I've done in this post and in my life in general. It's one of the biggest things that has come with my depression - I swear all the time and at everything. But that's just me. And I care too much about it. Maybe I should stop caring? I know I can't do it, but if I tried, at least I might have a chance of living a few days in glory. Free of this slavery that is my own reflection.

And we're not even going to get into my spirituality. I'm not sure I even have a spiritual side anymore. God should forsake me. No, He really should. How could I implement anything that satisfies Him? I can't even fucking pray anymore.

My rant is over. I hope I didn't offend you, reader. I know I offended myself.

Oh, and happy new year. Isn't it just going to be a terrific year for everybody?